Wounded trust

Over recent years I have listened to numerous stories of people who have been hurt, let down, betrayed, and even abused by others who represent the church, the Christian faith and God. I find this intensely sad as I watch the effects of what that does to people. Gone is an openness and trust that may have once been. Gone is their old way of knowing and worshipping God, replaced by a cynicism and suspicion. Gone is a sense of safety in previously good relationships and any joie de vie they might have had, in fact gone is everything that is fundamental to living the fullness of life that we are promised from Jesus. And they are propelled into a very painful journey of confusion, anger, guardedness, suspicion, disillusionment and huge loss.

People on this journey have everything that has been core to them and their faith thrown into disarray. And because they have been let down by people who they expected above all not to let them down, people representing the church and God, the intensity of the confusion and let down is only increased. The questions flood in. How could this happen? Relationships can no longer be depended on – who can I trust? Can I even trust myself and my  own  ability to discern? Where was God when I needed protection and care? God's promises which previously held hope are now hollow and meaningless. Where is God in this? Can I even trust in God anymore? How did I get to the point of quelling my own internal signals and unease? One person wrote of his experience of betrayal:  “…it is hard to explain the grief and the pain.” Another wrote: “Time after time I discarded the bible in anger, agony and frustration…. my faith was paralysed.”

Yet another:  “…I rotate through feelings of anger, embarrassment, disbelief, self-doubt, rage, loss and sadness. I feel I can no longer trust anyone….”

In the story of Cleopas and his friend on the road to Emmaus two friends, described as followers of Jesus are going back to their village after the crucifixion. These two had hopes that this man Jesus was the one who was going to set Israel free. They had heard him speak, seen him interacting with people, probably interacted with him themselves, and knew enough about him to have put their trust in him and call themselves his followers. They had invested their hopes and dreams for the future in this man Jesus who they believed would redeem Israel. And then, in a very short time what was stable and secure in their lives was turned upside down. What they had put their trust in was totally undermined and had fallen apart as far as they could see.

When we lose trust whatever the circumstances, whether a confidence is broken, a promise not kept, expectations are shattered, we are the victims of gross insensitivity, or relational infidelity it is a long journey. And when church and faith issues are involved there is an added depth that hits at the core of our being. The one place thought to be safe where our guards are down and vulnerabilities exposed, has violated our trust. To add insult to injury we often find ourselves alone and sidelined as the power of the system and majority prevail.

Cleopas and his friend are grappling with some of these issues when Jesus draws alongside and begins walking with them, though they don't recognise him. He draws out from them what it is they are talking about and enables them to express their grief and their dashed hopes and disappointment. He challenges their illusions and paints a bigger picture. They are able to rework and reshape who Jesus is and what they are putting their trust in. They could broaden the paradigms of their previous experience and faith is rekindled.

When we are thrust into this journey we often begin a process which may mean the letting go of a lot of often unrealistic and wrongly taught beliefs and expectations and encompassing new paradigms. It may mean going away from  triumphalistic and all-powerful images to more vulnerable images of God. There may grow an understanding of God who doesn't take away the pain or give neat answers to life's problems but treats us more like adults and befriends us in the midst of it. Often there are glimpses of God undergirding what is going on in life and a call to a deeper sense of trust.

There may also be a deeper sense of trust in our internal signals and a realisation that God is at work through these. We may rework our perception of safe and unsafe people and places.

Throughout this journey myself I found it important to give myself plenty of space, care, and gentleness and find companions to travel with – it takes time and it is painful. My companions have been in the form of a spiritual director and others who have travelled or are travelling the same road. 

Jenny McIntosh