Name: Julianne McEldowney

Age:     33

Situation in life:

I choose to be single, currently flatting with 2 others in Onehunga Auckland.

Christian perspective:

born into a Christian evangelical worldview in small-town Canterbury, I attended church regularly all my life, officially ‘accepted Jesus into my heart at age 9, but had a sense of God well before then (it seemed the thing to do). As a teenager became involved in church activities – youth group, leading worship…

Significant events in childhood:

at 8 my mother died (cancer), 2 years later dad remarried – I gained a second mum and 2-step brothers (became a merged family); at 13 my younger sister died (different kind of cancer). Through these events I never doubted God's presence, just accepted that life wasn't a neat little package.

 

What made sense for me about life was that relationships were important, but I'm not sure I knew how to relate with people on the level of being real. My perception was that life was to be fully lived - in my early 20s each day was full of activity, there was no room for rest, reading, or engaging truly with the riches of life (joy, sadness, creativity) – I was skating along the surface. Not having ambition for a career, I took opportunities that came my way, and immersed myself in finding connection through activity at church. Underneath the activity, was a growing sense of being dissatisfied, that there had to be something else…

 

I attended Bible College in 1997, hoping this would provide answers to my searching – one year at a time for 3 years I hoped, prayed and waited…..a degree gained, I left, found a job, and again immersed myself in church until, burnout, I needed a break. The unrest didn't stop there, I was still marking time. Needing to find a sense of belonging, I became attached to what I knew, even if it wasn't particularly liberating.  A constant wallpaper thought (always present, part of my inner scene) was that my call was to work overseas – everything would come together then; I would find my purpose. In the meantime all my activity was marking time, part of the bigger picture. After much deliberation and the encouragement of friends I was accepted to work for 4 months in a place ending in “…stan”. Being as far away from my NZ experience as possible I began to stop running (there was no where else to run to…). I had time to think, I met people who talked about intentional living and who lived it out – they had concern for world issues, but lived simply and faithfully in the present.

 

When I returned to my church in Auckland I didn't fit anymore (I sat at the back, couldn't sing the songs anymore, and gradually couldn't endure an entire service…I was disconnected).  I moved to a new flat, met people who offered an alternative Christian experience, and who showed me what it meant to be in relationship (i.e. they could think for themselves and think differently and that was OK). After a lot of avoidance and internal turmoil I eventually left my church and support networks, and started again -  unlearning what had been my life and reassembling what I knew. Part of my journey is written below that's helping to reshape what's important for me now.

 

We talk about unpacking our faith…letting go of certain beliefs/ideas, being open to what lies beyond being evangelical, sifting the things we want to keep, and what we will leave behind. Seeking truth in ways that goes beyond what I know is taking me out of my comfort zone, but also bringing me to a new place that gives me hope for the road ahead.

 

The journey of letting go has meant more than physically leaving church and undoing my faith framework. With the absence of being involved in church stuff, I found that I had to face who I was, there was time to think. I regarded my thoughts as defining who I was – they dictated how I perceived I was regarded by others, how I interacted with my world, and impacted on my emotional state. My experience was one of confusion, being tossed about by whatever thought happened to pass by on any given occasion. It hasn't been easy having these realisations – discovering stuff about yourself that you'd rather keep running from!  

 

Centering Prayer, a christian meditation practice, has been significant in restoring hope in seeking God and finding peace within. This practice is bringing me home to living in the present moment, i.e. not distracted by what I hope will be. It's a practice of letting go of thoughts in order to seek God who is beyond these. Mary Margaret Funk in her book, A Mind at Peace, says, “To know our thoughts is an essential step in redirecting our heart to God in prayer. … The key practice leading us to know our thoughts and to renounce our thoughts, is silence. Wisdom tells us that silence will teach us everything.”

 

In seeking God in this realm of silence, I am beginning to have a sense of what it means to be fully known. In this space I can simply ‘be' – there's no need for pretence, or defence mechanisms - there is nothing to be proved. But it's a discipline of letting thoughts go and not dwelling on them.  

 

Engaging in Centering Prayer is inviting God's presence and action within. At other times our attention moves outward to discover God's presence everywhere. According to Meister Ekhart, “What we plant in the soil of contemplation, we shall reap in the harvest of action”.  I'm finding that I have a greater appreciation for creation, and what is, and that I am more centred in my approach to what I do in the everyday.

 

What is Centering Prayer

Centering prayer is a method of prayer which uses a sacred word to draw you back to rest in the silence. Take a moment…. imagine yourself sitting quietly, with your eyes closed, breathing fully and deeply; rest in the silence. As thoughts appear gently use your sacred word to return to the silence. You repeat this sequence, continuing to choose to let go of your thoughts and return to the silence. And so begins a new way of connecting with God, and yourself, and the world around you.

 

Funk describes this process as seeking God through the cloud of unlearning. “At the most elementary level, silence allows us to know ourselves because we move against the automatic chatter of conscious living.”

 

I've found this practice centres me in the here and now. My thoughts tell me how I am – anxious, worried, stressed, excited, happy – and as I learn to let these go, using a sacred word – the anxiety or feeling shifts, I'm able to remain balanced rather than tossed about by my thoughts. Another gem from Mary Margaret Funk is that “We are not our thoughts. Thoughts come and thoughts go”. I've found this to be reassuring!

 

There's a change happening from within, a growing sense of wholeness and being OK with myself and the world – the good and even the not-so-good. It's like being able to hold different views/perspectives/situations – not needing black and white answers to big questions (a new trust that is colourful).

 

This is a journey – the thoughts come and go, but in being aware and choosing to let them go is a discipline that may take a lifetime to master. The journey of letting go has become something more than leaving church and what I thought I believed. It is now a journey of letting go of thoughts to seek God who is beyond even these. This is giving me hope beyond the path of knowing.

 

If you want to know more about Centring Prayer:

contact: Andrew Rockell, the person who introduced me to this practice and who has facilitated a number of Centering Prayer workshops in Auckland. He can be contacted by email: anaru_r@clear.net.nz

www.thecentering.org/centering_method.html

Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening by Katherine Bourgeault.

New Seeds of Contemplation, by Thomas Merton.

A Mind at Peace, by Mary Margaret Funk.