Bible, where are you now?.........Truth, have you changed your name?

 

When I was thirteen my grandmother gave me a ‘proper' Bible…… a ‘teen study version'.  Since then, I've become attached to it, highlighted passages, written all over and in it, made it ‘mine'; it's special to me.  Growing up in the church and in a Christian family, reading the Bible was pretty much an expected part of ‘growing in one's faith' along with praying and doing ‘quiet times'.  Throughout my teenage years the Bible and ‘quiet times' were very much a part of how I saw my faith, perhaps in a formulaic way.

 

Over the past year or so, however, my relationship to the Bible has taken quite a dramatic shift.  I reached a point where I felt I was simply reading the Bible out of a sense of duty.  The parts of scripture that I did find significant never sank below the surface, something which frustrated me.  I struggled to find ‘life' both in the words and how it actually applied to me on a personal and daily basis.  I lost the desire to read it for the inspiration I hoped I might discover.  As a result, I now hardly ever consciously sit down to read the Bible, even though it occupies a nice space on my bedside table.  Maybe I just put it there because it makes me feel like ‘a good Christian'.  Maybe it signifies the little bit of hope I still find myself clinging to.  Either way, I actually find arriving at this point quite devastating.

 

Trying to explain the change in how I view the Bible to close family and friends has not been easy.  They don't understand why, suggesting that not reading the Bible is stunting my spiritual growth.  I struggle to accept (and respect) their point of view, whilst trying to defend my position, and avoid having a theological debate (often all at the same time!).  Some people seem to equate my current stance as a way of saying ‘I'm never going to pick up the Bible again, and I don't believe in it anymore'.  I don't think that is what I'm saying; I still want to respect the place the Bible has within faith.  I still acknowledge its power.

 

For the moment, you could say I've lost faith and trust in the Bible.  It's a slow process of rebuilding that faith and trust.  At times I feel like the Bible has let me down, or perhaps that I've let myself down by not reading it frequently, or at least living in, and with, that expectation.  I guess I'm attempting to protect myself from reaching a point of total disillusionment with the Bible.

 

I used to see the Bible as ‘the main way' in which I was ‘supposed' to connect with God.  As far as I was concerned if it didn't work there was obviously something wrong with me or my attitude.  Now, I'm beginning to see and explore other ways that are ‘life-giving' to the way I connect and communicate with God.  I'm realising that there are many ways to engage with God, rather than simply trying to conform to the ‘good Christian' models and ideals I've grown up with.  I find this realisation extremely liberating. I see being in this place as part of searching and longing for a deeper dimension to my faith; of journeying off the well-worn track and choosing to stand on the edge, on top of unstable rocks and letting the ocean crash at my feet, because I have found a new way, a way that takes me further and deeper into discovering the essence of who Christ is. Some would say the only way forward into that journey is through the Bible. Whether it is or not doesn't concern me as much as the deconstruction of my faith that's taking place in the process. For now, for this moment, this is me. And for the briefest of moments I sense God whispering “I do not condemn you, do not condemn yourself. It's ok to be in this place.”

 

Anon

 

[The author is a young woman in her early 20s She lives in Wellington whilst studying to become a social worker. Her interests include writing and developing her new found creative streak.]