Healthy Disobedience

 

“They have a right to make that call. If they are wrong, they will have to answer to God, but you need to accept their right to make that call, and you need to obey” said Simon.

Simon was the regional coordinator of our church denomination, and was expressing concern about a rapidly developing rift between myself, my wife Debbie, and our church leaders. I won't tell Debbie's story here. My own difficulties with our church leaders began when I tried to help a friend, Jim.

More than a year before my meeting with Simon, Jim discovered that his wife was having an affair with one of the church elders, Andy. Our Pastor had stepped in to manage the situation and he decided that the church members should be told nothing of what had happened. Thus, Andy's resignation from the eldership was announced and members were told there were health-related reasons; his contribution had been much valued, and he received a lot of sympathy. All of this was salt in Jim's wounds. When Jim questioned the Pastor's handling of the situation, the Pastor became antagonistic. Among other things, the Pastor decided that Jim should withdraw from his role with the church Sunday School and to this end he wrote a resignation notice on Jim's behalf and inserted it in the church newsletter without telling him. Outrageous as it was this was hardly the major issue; Jim was going through probably the greatest emotional turmoil of his life, and those of us who should have been supporting him as his brothers and sisters in Christ were not even allowed to know of the situation.

Jim wrote a letter to the church elders, complaining about the way the Pastor had isolated him from support, and protected Andy from the consequences of his actions. I was one of those elders, and I also told my wife Debbie about the letter and its content even though I suspected the Pastor would have disapproved of this. However, I figured I needed Debbie's support and wisdom to react in the best way.

A meeting was held to discuss the situation and how it had been handled to date. Beforehand I sought advice from a retired minister I knew who had had to deal with a case of marital infidelity. Based on his advice I thought the church members should be told, with care, something of what had really happened. I believed that truth, though difficult, would result in a deeper healing than the charade we were now playing.

At the meeting it became apparent that it was considered the job of the elders to support and obey the Pastor. Some of the things the Pastor said at the meeting did not match Jim's version of events and I challenged the Pastor as to whether he was telling the truth. The senior elder, Todd, was scandalised by my stance and reiterated that it was my duty as an elder to support the Pastor  - I received a dressing down the like of which I don't think I have ever received before or since. I saw a clear choice, I could walk away from this meeting with the approval of my fellow elders by saying nothing more about this and adopting the party line, or, I could hold out for Jim not to be made a pawn in order to protect the image of a perfect church. I didn't feel antagonistic towards my fellow elders, in fact, I was physically shaking from the humiliation of Todd's rebuke. When I asked if we could research the facts the Pastor had presented (about which I had my doubts as Jim had given a different version of events) the chairman said he would not allow it and I found myself telling the meeting I had no choice but to resign as an elder, as a matter of personal principle.

So returning to the opening sentence, what Simon was asking was for me to bury my differences with the leadership team and work now to their instructions. Simon went on to tell me of Todd's complaints about my attitude. When Todd had phoned me and asked that I meet with the elders and receive a letter from them I had insisted on being allowed to see the letter before the meeting, so as to have time to consider my response (particularly as I believed it would be a letter of rebuke). Todd felt that for a church member to attempt to impose conditions on a request from an elder was unacceptable. It was clear Simon was siding with Todd and in response to Simon I told him I would need to think.

In the end, I wrote to some senior church members asking them to help me resolve these issues. The leaders announced to members in a Sunday service soon afterwards, that Debbie and I had accused them of dishonesty. This misled members because my letter had not directly mentioned dishonesty, only that I had had a problem resolving differing versions of events. The National President of our denomination became involved and appointed a committee to review the situation. The committee came up with an unexpected proposal – all those involved should sign a contract never to talk about these matters again; we were given a week to decide.

As Debbie and I talked through the issues in the week that followed, alternating between thoughts of compliance and of maintaining our stand, we came to the conclusion that to yield would actually be unhealthy obedience, and not in keeping with the essence of true Christianity. For me, the ‘priesthood of all believers' means that we are empowered in Christ to make decisions for ourselves. Yes, we do need to respect our Pastors and leaders and support them, but it seems to me there is also a line where unthinking obedience becomes unhealthy. Johnson and van Vonderen describe this very well in their book ‘The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse'. We decided not to sign the contract; not out of belligerence, but because we couldn't convince ourselves it was a good solution. As a result, Debbie and I were subjected to a disciplinary meeting of church members attended by The National President. Though he never at any stage talked with me, he told members he had personally investigated the matters I had raised, and that the leadership had no case to answer. No details were ever supplied to members. The president asked members' permission to handle matters on their behalf and no one objected. He closed the meeting, and in a private meeting that followed, he made it clear to Debbie and me that the best thing for the church would be for the two of us to resign our membership, though he would like this to be our own decision. We did resign and members were notified the next Sunday. We have never been back to our former church, which we had attended for over 20 years.

Much soul searching has followed. Immediately after these events, my self esteem was very low indeed and it took a couple of years to regain it. I don't attend church regularly right now, but I talk conversationally to Jesus many times each day – He is as close as He ever was. I hope there will be a church somewhere in my future. Meanwhile the experience has made my life richer, with more colour than before. As I reflect on my decision to resign as elder that night, I believe I would do the same again. I regret the conflict that followed, but I have an inner peace that I did what I did for good reasons. For me it was therefore the right decision – could we say healthy disobedience?

 

William Morgan